I have eight days to finish editing my novel, to let someone read it, and then send it to the publisher. That said, I’m pretty sure I can do it. I’m over half-way done, and I’m turning the last corner. It’s a great thing, having a book done. This is my first, everything else published have been short stories.
So yes, it’s a great thing. And it’s terrifying. What if it sucks? What if no one reads it? What if, what if, what if…
I believe strong in my stories. I think I have interesting ones to tell. But, as my publisher said, all writers have this moment of doubt. Plus, due to battling depression and anxiety, I’ve had my own voice in my head telling me how everything will go to hell.
That voice, can go to hell. It lies, like most things in depression. It’ll always be there: the self-doubt, the worry, the belief that maybe, just maybe, I do suck. But here’s the thing: Fuck depression. I’ll live with it, but I can’t let it win. Ever.
So I’ll keep editing, I’ll get my novel into my publisher on time to debut it at NorWesCon with a launch party, and I’ll enjoy every minute of it.
It’s so easy to dwell on the bad things in life. And as 2016 comes to a close, we can point to many things that just didn’t go well this year. Example, Carrie Fisher died today. Princess Leia is gone, and there is nothing we can do about it. I won’t even delve into politics. Better to keep my readers. I will say, my country is divided and I’m not sure it can be put back together.
But 2016 wasn’t all bad. And that’s the important part. Amazingly, with all the celebrity deaths, there has also been some amazing entertainment. Movies: Doctor Strange, Rogue One, Deadpool (okay, that is more of a personal opinion) and the new Ghostbusters.
In TV: we got a lot of good returns of older shows. Season 12 of Supernatural (and you guys know how much I love that show), Season three of The Librarians (amazing show, if you haven’t seen it). Plus new shows like Preacher, Dirk Gently, and Good Behavior.
There were good times with family and friends. And some really bad ones. That’s how life works. But the triumphs of the human spirit, that’s what I look at. And they are everywhere.
In the middle somewhere is the writing life. Always thinking of new plots, new stories, new characters, while trying to finish the outstanding novel first. Writing is the best, easiest and hardest job I’ve ever had. I love it, I hate it, I can’t live without it.
So that’s 2016 and me in a nutshell. How was your year?
Leave it to me to start a blog post with a Supernatural quote, ( said by FBI agent Victor Henrickson, played by Charles Malik Whitfield). With the American Presidential vote, emotions have been running high. It was a weird environment to write in. However, the new Det. Lilah Evans novel is at the half-way mark, and so much more to come!
Oh, and there is good news on the writing front. My short romantic story “Heart of Night” is doing well in other countries (which is really cool!)
Yes, I again ventured to a Worldcon. This time, it was in Kansas City, Mo. It was a bit scary. Not the con itself, mind you, but the flights and well, being that far away from home. It was worth it, if nothing else, than I did something. I lived in the world.
There are new rules for the Hugo Awards. It shouldn’t effect those nominating and voting, but it will change how the votes are counted. And since I’m not part of the business meeting, that’s is as much as I know about that. But it could be useful to you out there. Authors and readers alike.
George RR Martin was there. I missed him as usual, but he was there and so was the infamous throne. So were so many amazing authors. That’s a lot of what WorldCon is about. Writing (and other things that encompass Science Fiction/Fantasy).
Many outfits and costumes were amazing. And you get to vote on where there will be another Worldcon (this was for 2018). My vote didn’t win, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be at the next one. By then, Night Hues will have come out, and it’ll be a great success. Or at least give a few readers some fun and excitement with Detective Lilah Evans!
As soon as I get some rest (as the illness demands), the pages will blow up for the lovely detective.
What did I learn, from the my world blowing up? That the only way to get to the other side, is to go through it. You can’t fast track it, and just hope it’ll all be ok. You can’t force yourself to be better, you can’t force forgiveness, and you can’t force the pain to stop. So you wait. You find the things you still love, and enjoy. If you’re me, you watch Supernatural. You watch General Hospital (don’t laugh, it helps with writing). You listen to music, sometimes on repeat (like Burn from Hamilton). And you feel it. You feel that pain, no matter how deep it is. You feel it, because you can’t let it go, if you refuse to deal with it at all.
Does that mean I’m done? No. I’m still going through it. But I’ve started writing again. It’s still less than I’d done, but it’s a start. I’m leaving the house. I’m having fun with people I love. I’m living.
I never really believed that trouble came in threes. After all it’s a superstition, and though I write speculative fiction, I myself am usually a skeptic. It’s almost as if I were from Missouri (the “show me” state). I mean, I want to believe, but often I just don’t. Too many things have logical answers.
And I’m sure the three things that happened, it’s likely coincidence. Yet, I still got threes.
At a Sci/Fi Fantasy convention, someone I trusted with everything did the one thing could break that trust. That was one. Two, a loved one tried to commit suicide. And three? Someone I love, and who is my best friend (though he’s in England) ended up with bad aspiration pneumonia and nearly died. All in a matter, of say, four days. Or less.
All I could do was stare at my own life, and wonder who was writing this? Was there a good reason to push the protagonist so far? Was there a lesson to be learned? Would it help later in the story? But the fact was, it was just real. Scary. Heartbreaking. And lonely.
My muse and I are now in negotiations to start writing again. To get the novel rolling, and done. To get the next one started. Maybe, to use some of the new, and still really raw pain and pour it onto the page, like one would oils onto canvas.
Only time will tell. But you don’t go through the shit in the world (not my first go-round, sadly) and come out the same. Everything changes, sometimes for the best, sometimes not. But…something is always learned. Whether we want it or not.